Stream of Consciousness

做人很難。
人不可能是完美的，人際關係也一樣。
Eladio告訴我，每段時期會有每段時期的朋友，
而且能找到一個兩個終其一生都可以陪伴的朋友，其實就很難得了。
想想也是，認識一個人其實很容易，
（尤其我在美國的mall裡的體驗告訴我真的不困難）
但要相處，除了需要默契，價值觀與做事態度也很重要。

上一段關係當中，坦白說我沒有準備好。
某部份的我是帶著傷的，她有沒有帶著傷我不便揣測。
我也不該自告奮勇的想要成為另一人的替代品。
傷兵需要人照顧，這對她也不公平，也不是她害我傷到的啊。
她也是個某部份很纖細的人，畢竟是女孩子，
而且她或許也沒有我朋友眼中想像的那麼壞。
雖然東西有點亂，雖然晚睡晚起，
但我最忍受不了的事情，是她的不果斷。

曾經，我忘了哪句話讓我哭著以為她會離開我回到另一個人身邊，因為我並不隨便給的。
曾經，她哭著告訴我她似乎傷了另一個人，這其實無形中傷了我。
曾經，分手後的某一天，我難過的到她房裡哭訴，「我寧可妳把我推開」。
然後，那件事情發生了，某部份是我的刻意，因為我不想再這樣下去。
我自己應該也是個不果斷的人吧。

我自己知道我有時非黑即白的個性其實不太好，
我一直在跌跌撞撞中學習成長，調整態度。
但這次我做的絕，是因為我們都需要這樣的經歷去成長學習。
痛是很痛的，但我認為這是必須，也是必要。
所以我刻意的想把自己感性的那面收起來，試圖讓自己跟她整個切斷關係。
唯有切斷，我才可以療傷，唯有切斷，她也才可以專心。
雖然我矯枉過正成了暴怒，但至少現在的情況不是那麼可逆的了。


「別再三心二意了，
別再讓別人也跟我一樣這樣痛，
祝福妳。」

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Translation for Eladio,

Every individual are defective, so does relationship of human.
Eladio told me, your friends enter and leave your life circle.
You're lucky to have one or two friends can be your companion for your whole life.
To know somebody is quite easy, especially the experience in Mall of US told me it's really not hard.
But to get familiar with someone, not only depend on the unspoken concensus, but also life values and attitude of handling things.

I confess that I was not ready in my previous intimate relationship.
Some part of my heart is wounded, and I should not volunteered to be the substitution of someone.
A wounded Nice Guy need someone to take care of, but this is not fair to her because it's not she who made those wounds.
Some part of she is sensitive, girls are all like that.
She might not be that bad as my friend thought she was.
Maybe a mess in her house, maybe sleep and getup late.
But the most thing I cannot bear of her is the lack of determination.

She ever told me some words which made me cried, because I never give my heart easily, and thought she would go back for somebody.
She ever cried and told me that she seems hurt somebody, this actually hurted me.
I ever cried in her room and told her "I hope you can just leave me alone", one day after we broke up.
I don't want to be like that anymore, so that event happened deliberately.
I think I'm also a guy without determination.

I know I have the personality to swing between two opposite extremes.
I always trying to adjust my attitude by having more experience.
I cut-off everything this time because we both need this kind of experience to growup.
It hurts, but I think it's necessary, and worthy.
I pretend to be cold, and cut-off every connection to her.
Only by doing this I can cure myself, and she can be concerntrate on her own life.
Although I were almost rage finally, but at least the situation now is not that reversable.

"Don't be a fickle-minded woman anymore.
Don't break someone's heart like mine anymore.
With my bless."